Simple English

No – i’m not saying English People are simple! 🙂

A friend of mine’s Czech-born wife is currently learning English as her second language – pray for her as she deals with stuff like this…

(and you might need a little prayer for yourself!?)

An English View.

When One aspires to peruse
The written word it can amuse,
Because our tongue has many Do’s
And Don’t’s which frequently confuse
Those of us so inclined to choose
To’s, when what we meant were too’s.

For if we look in one’s and two’s
At certain words we sometimes use,
And especially if we should choose
To analyse our verbal cues,
We’re phonetically inclined to lose
Track of the ways that we spell ‘-ooze’.
(8 so far!)

No bear with brane as small as Pooh’s,
Whose mental faculties (read I.Q.’s)
Are smaller than his own shoe’s,
Size, could say if we an odd number choose
Or a multiple of the Number Two’s
To count the ways we rhyme our ‘U’s’.

Writers should be forming queues
In which they seek to ask the Muse
To state, in her opinion, Who’s
Coughing up the outsanding dues
On all the ways there are to choose
To spell the words that end in ‘-oohs’.
(Now 14!)

I’ll bet no herd of stately gnus,
Nor mob of bouncing kangaroos,
Nor any beast of London Zoo’s
Ever had even the slightest clue’s
To the seemingly unending views
Of ways to rhyme the ending ‘-oos’
(That’s 19!)

Despite the warning of Uncle Hugh’s
(which coincided with his brother, Lou’s)
I’m prepared to take all I.O.U.’s
For bets relevant to the number whose
Nearest the ways there are to use
Letters of spelling sounds like ‘youse’.

And i would doubt if Lauren Tewes
Or. for that matter. Howard Hughes
Has ever stood in brand new shoes,
And mindless of a pinch or bruise,
Cried out aloud the dreadful news
That we’ve an excessive choice for writing ‘-ews’.
( That’s 25!)

So should any rabble try to accuse
Me of inflicting on such a Crew’s
Rotten Lot, a dillemma whose
Horns are as sharp as any gnu’s
Before we even start to choose
Foreign terms like: ‘bid our adieu’s’

And Americanised names like ‘Suze’;
I merely sought to express my views
On the quite substantial ways we use
Consonants, with which we fuse
Vowels in varying ones and twos,
All to ‘simply’ rhyme with ooze.

(That is a total of 29 different ways all up! 28 if you discount the foreign reference and 27 if you discount the Americanised name, which seems unfair to me as it was an American TV show (can you guess?) about someone called ‘Suze’ which started me off on this. For Australian (and French) readers i could have stuck in a reference to ‘La Perouse’ on Botany Bay (Sydney) and maybe ABBA’s ‘Vous les Vous’s’, and as well there is ‘Sioux’s’ and presumably a few more foreign spellings which could be reasonably well known to an English speaking audience but for now i’ll call it quits at 32 different ways.

If you can add any others – please don’t tell me!? 🙂 )


  1. OK – now you’ve got ME!

    i am so slow today! 🙂

    and i don’t think i used cashews either! 😉 although that does ryhme with news, which i did use.

    they’re not nice to get up your nose either! 🙂


  2. My daughter Suze
    Can quite amuse
    Me. With her fuse
    of school news-
    I eat cashews
    While I peruse
    Her words askew(ed)
    And remain confused.

    Not too good on the spur of the moment – but it makes sense to me.

    You’re AMAZING! This was fun. 😆


  3. Man, even love’s a poet now!

    If love would be and not confuse
    the sounds of glee that we may ooze
    to make love see yet flat refuse
    to love her meter, wear her shoes

    by: one who looks to be tom cruise.


  4. OMG!

    As a poet myself…. I’m in awe 😀 Well done….

    My mouth is still open …. wow

    (And that’s saying a lot, coz I critique a lot – and I don’t do rhymes…. )



  5. OK now i’m beginning to feel flattered… i’ll give you all five months to stop – ok? 😉

    Welcome Bajanpoet – you’ve just guaranteed yourself a new blog fan! 🙂

    And Tom, i mean Ric!… even though i wrote this at the turn of the millenium and another one i will post soon from 1995… you were my inspiration to post here 🙂

    I like it Sis 🙂 – mine took about two days to build up!


  6. Well, as a person who says that if I didn’t meet my wife, I’md marry a semicolon…. lol

    I’m a stickler for English, grammar and punctuation… I’ll give u a story:

    I wrote a poem a while back and although it was good, it wasn’t , u know… PERFECT. So I wondered at it and tried to fix it, and then gave up. I thought about it periodically for a while, but nothing was happening. Two years later (That’s right, I said TWO YEARS) I was asleep one night, and in an instant was awake – I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG! I ran to my PC, and brought up the poem. I changed the punctuation on this one line from ending with a comma to a semicolon – and the poem was finally PERFECT lol… the beat was off!

    So, there u go… that’s my reasoning… I’ve thrown away magazines because they were poorly edited and there was too much bad grammar for me to stomach lol



  7. wow il’l have to kepp that in mind bajan, the nest tyme i vizit you’r blog; eye would’nt want to. you no: bug yew with my bad grammafication? & punk-shoe-a-shin#”



  8. ha… I thoroughly enjoyed my peruse of your use of oohs..

    That was awesome and fun to read. I don’t that I would have the patience to make all that come together.

    Now I am intrigued about other pieces you have written.


  9. Tony – you’ve probably seen the pinnacle of my poetry achievements – such as they are 😉

    Sometimes i get a bee in my bonnet over something and in this case it was the ludicrous nature of our spelling of our language and speech.

    i felt sufficiently offended to spend some time gathering selecting and then putting various words with the ‘same’ ending into a rhyme.

    i’m not sure i could ever do as much out of a love of writing poetry – which is why i feel i am very much a ‘part time poet’.

    This effort was pretty much a way to let out some anger basically.

    As was this somewhat lesser but similarly themed ‘effort‘:


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